Love's Burden
by LosingInTranslation
Summary: In the aftermath of Warrick's death and his friends moving on, Nick ends up losing so much more when he makes a life altering mistake. Nick/Mandy GSR MAJOR ANGST ALERT!
1. Chapter 1

_**DISCLAIMER: **_Don't own anything associated with the show… I just like playing with the characters in it from time to time. Dance Monkeys! Dance!  
_**RATING: **_Teen/PG  
_**SPOILERS:**_ Season 8  
_**PAIRINGS:**_ Nick/Mandy and a glimpse of GSR  
_**SUMMARY:**_ In the aftermath of Warrick's death and his friends moving on, Nick ends up losing so much more when he makes a life altering mistake.  
_**A/N:**_ I blame this story entirely on Beelzabunny. That rabid demon plot rodent chomped down on my brain and wouldn't let go until I finished this story. MAJOR angst alert! For the record, there are a total of 4 chapters, and they are all done except for the tweaking. Probably end up posting every other day or so, depending on how I resolve the ending.  
_**REVIEWS: **_Reviews are the way I know if people are enjoying the work or not. So, if you leave one, THANKS! And if not, I hope you found at least a little something to brighten your day, and thanks for taking the time to read.

* * *

**Chapter 1**

It had been eleven very long months. Long and horrible. In that time, he'd lost two of his best friends, his boss and mentor, and his temper on more occasions than he wanted to recall. But none of that mattered. Nothing compared to the loss that ate at his gut every time he rolled over in that empty bed.

Losing Mandy was the worst thing that had ever happened to him. Nothing else cut him to the quick quite the way her absence did; not a hundred funerals, not a thousand Walter and Kelly Gordons, not a million friends moving on. He could endure them all, as long as he had her. But he didn't have her any longer.

Staring at the cold, smooth pillow beside him, he wondered what in the world possessed him to make the biggest mistake of his entire life. He still remembered the way she looked that last day, her mouth trembling as she desperately tried to hold back the emotions he could see in her glassy eyes. She wouldn't ask him to go, she wouldn't put that burden on him, but he still resented her because she didn't.

He knew the day would come that she'd have to start looking for another job, but he ignored it. She hated working for Ecklie, and she hated what the lab was turning into more than she could ever express with words. He saw it in her eyes, her lack of appetite, and the nervous ticks she seemed to collect on a daily basis. It was killing her to stay there, but she did stay…for him. He couldn't leave, not like that. Not without knowing what had happened to Warrick. But even when that day came, and the answers were in his hands, he kept finding reasons to stay.

When she got the call from the state lab in California, he knew she had to go. She was dying in Vegas, and he hated to see her in so much pain and misery, becoming someone he didn't even recognize. As he watched her shoulders slump after ending the call, he felt every ounce of her sadness, and he knew what she was about to do. She was going to turn down the offer to stay with him. He just couldn't let that happen, he couldn't put her through anymore of that pain, but he knew he couldn't leave with her either.

Without wasting a single breath, he went to the closet and pulled out his suitcase. As he began throwing everything from the closet into the bag, Mandy came into the bedroom. "What are you doing? What's wrong?"

He steeled his shoulders and took a few breaths before saying the words that still echoed in his head. "I can't do this anymore. You're falling apart every time I turn around, you hate it here, and you hate me for keeping you here. Well fine! I'm not keeping you anywhere, anymore." He stomped to the dresser and scooped up an armful of underwear which he then hurled into the suitcase. "You can't use me as an excuse for being miserable any longer. I'm gone!"

As he zipped up the case she rushed to his side and tried to stop him. "Nick, what are you saying? I've never-"

"Of course not!" He left the case on the bed and spun around to grab her by her now bony arms. "You just sigh and slump, and sit quietly on the couch waiting. Waiting for what? For me to take you out of here? To read your mind? I'm tired of it!" He swallowed the lump in his throat as he looked down into her frightened and deeply injured eyes. "I won't be anybody's burden, Mandy. I won't be the yoke around your neck. Go find some other sucker to do that for you."

He watched as she choked back her sobs. She tried to straighten up when she finally said, "If that's what you think, how you feel, then there's nothing I can say to change that." He saw the tears about to break free from the corners of her eyes "I'll go. If that's really how you feel. I'll go."

She took her emergency overnight bag from the hall closet, picked up her purse, looked back at him one last time, and with her hand on the door, she and then she bravely said goodbye, uttering the words that would be forever etched into his soul.. "I'm sorry that my loving you was such a burden. I hope you'll be happy now."

And that was the last time he ever saw her.


	2. Chapter 2

_**DISCLAIMER: **_Don't own anything associated with the show… I just like playing with the characters in it from time to time. Dance Monkeys! Dance!  
_**RATING: **_Teen/PG  
_**SPOILERS:**_ Season 8  
_**PAIRINGS:**_ Nick/Mandy and a glimpse of GSR  
_**SUMMARY:**_ In the aftermath of Warrick's death and his friends moving on, Nick ends up losing so much more when he makes a life altering mistake.  
_**A/N:**_ Finally made some progress on the ending, so here's the next chapter. All's I can say is, at least there weren't any death threats. My betas, on the other hand, were rallying up the death squads when I gave them that first chapter.  
_**REVIEWS: **_Reviews are the way I know if people are enjoying the work or not. So, if you leave one, THANKS! And if not, I hope you found at least a little something to brighten your day, and thanks for taking the time to read.

* * *

**Chapter 2**

Mandy never came back. When he tried to find her at the lab, to tell her he was sorry, to beg for her forgiveness, she wasn't there. He must have called her cell phone a hundred times that night, but she never answered.

Finally, he went to Henry, to ask him where she was, and to try to get a message to her. They had been great friends over the years, and he knew Mandy probably went straight to his place the night before. But Henry wasn't there either.

For three days he tried to reach both of them, with no luck. On the second day, he came home to find all of her things moved out of the condo. After the third day, he staked out Henry's place, but there was no sign of them. They were gone.

His mind raced with a million scenarios, but he simply couldn't believe that Mandy had run off with her best friend like that. It just didn't make any sense.

On the fifth day, he had his answer. Walking past the toxicology lab, he found Henry back at work, just like nothing had ever happened. His gut immediately tied itself up into a thousand well executed knots, and he quickly hurried away from the lab. By the end of the shift he couldn't wait any longer. He had to know.

As he entered Henry's lab, the tech didn't even break his eyes away from his microscope when he said, "Don't."

Nick stood there gaping like a well landed bass as he tried to process what was happening. "Don't even ask me. It won't do you any good." Henry finally looked up from the lenses and Nick saw the pain in the man's eyes. "She's gone, Nick. That's all you need to know."

He watched as Henry retrieved his slides and slipped them into an evidence bag. When he sealed them up and rose from his seat to leave, the tech gave him one last parting shot. "And that's a hell of a lot more than you deserve."

Henry was right. He didn't deserve anything. Not after what he did.

He wasn't thinking clearly, but it was the only thing that made sense to him at the time. He couldn't leave, but he couldn't bear to watch her wasting away, waiting for him to see what was there all along.

He didn't need Las Vegas. He didn't need the Crime Lab. His only real loss, up until that moment, was in Warrick's death. And even that never changed his friendship with the man. Nick still cared about him like a brother; he simply wasn't physically there anymore. But Warrick's memory and their friendship would always be with him.

Slowly, he began to realize he hadn't really lost Sara and Grissom either, they just weren't in Vegas. They were together, and they were happy, and they were still a part of his life, even if they weren't close anymore.

The weeks and months that followed Mandy's departure quickly added up, but he felt like they were an eternity. His life with her felt like a different time, a different era, a different life, and tore him down more and more every day. He wished more than anything that he could go back to that place and time, and change it all.

As he started packing up his office for the last time, he realized everything was for naught. He was leaving Las Vegas, and there was nothing to show for the sacrifices he had made. Greg was gone, off living the life he had been afraid to grab onto. Catherine had her daughter, her mother, her freedom, and her career. Sara and Grissom were off enjoying their lives together. And he was packing it in and calling it quits.

Catherine didn't even flinch when he gave her his notice. She nodded solemnly and said she had seen it coming. After Warrick's case was solved, all the drive simply vanished like so much dust in the air. There was just nothing left of the things that made the job his anymore. He didn't care about the justice of it. And when he couldn't even muster any sympathy for the victims, he knew he was done. When he didn't feel anything, he knew he needed to walk away. But what was he going to do?

When he first thought about turning in his notice, he just wanted to go home to Texas. But the more he thought about it, the more he came to understand that he didn't have a home to go to anymore. His father was gone, and his mother was caught up in being a widow and a grandmother. The old homestead just wasn't home to anyone now.

The first couple of weeks he just stayed home. He tried packing, but the half finished boxes scattered throughout the condo only sat there mocking him. What did he have to fill them with? Trinkets of achievements long past? A few photographs of people gone forever? He felt even more empty and alone staring at those boxes. There were no fights over how much crap had been accumulated over the years, no taunting about the old clothes that should have been thrown out, no worrying about getting everything to fit in a new place, and no one there to share any of that with him.

In a fit of drunken melancholy, he snapped at Greg, who had called to see if he wanted to come out to L.A. for a visit after he learned of his resignation. Nick lashed out at the younger man and told him, "I don't want your goddamn pity. Just let me wallow in my own mistakes in peace."

The next call he got was even less pleasant.

Jim Brass was at his door bright and early the next morning, pounding so hard Nick was sure it was the hangover from hell, come to take him away. When he finally realized it was actually the door, he stumbled to it to find the stoic detective standing there with a very serious and determined scowl on his face.

Giving him the disappointed once over, he simply growled, "I don't give a rat's ass what you've been doing until now. Go take a shower. You're getting out of here."

Nick didn't have the clarity or the energy to argue with the stern man barking out the orders, he simply followed the instructions. Before he knew what was happening, he was in the front seat of Jim's car as they were pulling up at McCarran.

Nick turned to the man in confusion, but he only handed him the plane ticket and told him get out. "I don't understand."

"Neither do I, but Sara still seems to think your sorry ass is worth saving. So, get on the damn plane and listen to what she's got to say." Brass was a little more gruff than normal, and he could only assume he knew about his blow up with Greg. As much grief as the old detective liked to give Greg he knew Brass liked the kid a lot.

He looked down at the tickets in his hands and finally nodded his head. "Yeah, okay."

"You don't get a lot of chances in this world, Nick. And you never know when it's gonna be your last. So, stop fucking it up and listen to what they've got to say. All anybody wants is for you to make it through this rough spot. Even me." Nick finally looked back up at the man with his admission. "Otherwise, I would've just shot you. Nobody should be that miserable. It would've been a mercy killing."

Nick chuffed at the man's attempt at a joke, and nodded his head. "Thanks, Jim."

Walking through the airport, Nick finally understood he did have something to show for his time in Las Vegas; his friends. He only hoped it was enough to keep him going.


	3. Chapter 3

_**DISCLAIMER: **_Don't own anything associated with the show… I just like playing with the characters in it from time to time. Dance Monkeys! Dance!  
_**RATING: **_Teen  
_**SPOILERS:**_ Season 8  
_**PAIRINGS:**_ Nick/Mandy and a glimpse of GSR  
_**SUMMARY:**_ In the aftermath of Warrick's death and his friends moving on, Nick ends up losing so much more when he makes a life altering mistake.  
_**A/N:**_ Have spent the last 3 days not getting much farther than my bed thanks to a Typhoid Mario toddler infecting me with Strep (if I didn't love the little bugger so much I'd be mad), but I've at least fixed all my problems with the ending and so I'm upping the schedule. Hope you enjoy the rest of the story.  
_**REVIEWS: **_Reviews are the way I know if people are enjoying the work or not. So, if you leave one, THANKS! And if not, I hope you found at least a little something to brighten your day, and thanks for taking the time to read.

* * *

**Chapter 3**

There was a rental car waiting for him when he got off the plane at San Francisco International Airport. As he was checking it out, the clerk told him that he had programmed the directions into the OnStar for him already, but that he also had a fax for him with the printed directions and a note. Nick took the folded papers from the clerk and trudged out to the car. The last thing he wanted was to fall apart reading a note from Sara in the middle of the rental car lobby.

Plopping down in the driver's seat, Nick turned the key in the ignition and flipped on the heater. While the October temperatures weren't really cold, he felt a chill deep down in his bones and he longed for something to chase it away. In many ways, the desert had left its mark on his soul.

He inhaled deeply and closed his eyes. Nick needed just a moment to collect himself before he opened the folded up fax. He scanned through the directions on the OnStar screen to familiarize himself with the route. It looked easy enough; one-oh-one South on the San Jose ramp, merge onto ninety-two West toward Half Moon Bay and then a left onto Cabrillo Highway. He thought he could handle that much without too much help from the GPS system. He was definitely getting the grand tour of the South Bay area before he headed for the coast. Nick left the lot without so much as glancing at the fax, putting off the inevitable until he got out of the city.

Getting through the city proved more difficult and stressful than Nick could have ever imagined. The traffic in the upper South Bay area was heavily congested and reminded him of his old commute to the Metroplex in Dallas before he left for Las Vegas. It also did not help that he was twice forced off onto an exit ramp by larger vehicles. He simply was not used to driving such a small car, and those SUV's and pickup trucks on the road managed to keep his driving very defensive. He made a promise to himself to be more wary of the smaller cars on the road when he was in his truck. The tension continued to build in his shoulders until he reached the spread out comfort of the suburban sprawl. When everything was no longer stacked on top of itself Nick was finally able to release his white knuckle grip on the steering wheel.

The moment he crossed over the Upper Crystal Springs Reservoir, he felt a tremendous sense of relief wash over him. That was also when he remembered the crumpled pieces of paper he'd jammed into his pocket as he left the airpark.

Once he was clear of the causeway, he found a place to pull the rental car off to the side of the road, and got out to stretch his legs. He discovered that the water from the reservoir was on the other side of some trees there and went to check it out.

As he took a deep breath he immediately noticed the moisture present in the air, and the gentle scent of the water before him flooded his nostrils. He wished time could stand still in that moment so he never had to face any of the hell he knew was waiting for him at the end of this path. Breathing in, and breathing out, that was all he wanted.

But it was more than he deserved.

Nick closed his eyes to the pain welling up in his chest and reached deep into his jacket pocket for the note. With one more breath, he carefully unfolded the paper and began to read.

**_GSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSR_**

_Nick-_

_Sara and I had to go to the city today. We left the key in the lockbox on the front porch. Sara says the code is the same as her old locker and you should know it. _

_Depending on traffic, we may stay in the city for dinner. There is plenty to eat in the kitchen, so please help yourself. Feel free to make yourself at home in the Blue Bedroom. Trust me, you will not have to look hard for it._

_See you soon,_

_-Gil_

**_GSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSR_**

Nick breathed a heavy sigh of relief. He still had a few hours left before the axe finally fell. He looked down at his watch and saw that it was quarter after five, and they hadn't called to tell him they were on their way yet. If what he experienced was the precursor to rush hour traffic through the lower part of the city, then he knew for sure Grissom wasn't about to take them through a bigger hell just to get home sooner.

He climbed back into the car and took off down the road. The drive was quiet and the road was fairly deserted, especially for the time of day. After a while he began to realize he'd entered a very different part of California; the rural part.

When he finally reached Half Moon Bay, he relaxed a little more. The added traffic on the road eased his frazzled nerves, showing him that he wasn't really alone. He stopped in at the first convenience store he found and grabbed something quick to eat. His stomach had been growling for the last five miles and he realized he probably hadn't eaten anything since the night before.

The microwave burrito he managed to scarf down before he even made the turn onto Cabrillo Highway was already making him regret it by the time he reached the outskirts of Half Moon Bay. Struggling to release the first digestive disturbance, he pounded on his chest and expelled the foul wind from his gut. Thankfully, he had also grabbed a roll of antacid with the burrito.

As he balanced steering the car with tearing into the antacids, the GPS system alerted him to his next turn. "Turning left onto Verde Road in point five miles."

"Shit!" The voice distracted him enough that he dropped the roll onto the floor in favor of running the car off the road as he looked around for the road he needed to turn onto. He was back in farm country, so when the stand of trees popped up, he had a pretty good idea where the road might be. But it also meant that he had to pay careful attention or he would miss it.

Just as the thought crossed his mind he saw the sign, as he drove past it. "You have missed your turn. Recalculating… Proceed point seven miles on Cabrillo Highway to the Alvarez Produce Market and turn left."

Nick really started to hate the voice on that GPS system. In his ears it sounded smug, and self-righteous. His logic told him it was simply calm and flat, and pre-recorded, but he still didn't like the way it kept pointing out his mistakes. He was perfectly capable of recognizing his own stupid maneuvers without that infernal machine telling him, out loud, what a moron he was when driving.

Luckily, the produce market was closed when he turned around in the parking lot. The daylight began to vanish when he reached Half Moon Bay, but the lights of the suburban oasis kept him from noticing right away. Out along this desolate stretch of highway near the coast, there was no artificial light, and he knew it wouldn't be long until he was faced with finding their place in the pitch black of night.

Just as he was about to pull back out onto the highway, the GPS chirped up once again. "Recalculating… Turn right onto Cabrillo Highway North, point seven miles."

"Oh shut up!" Nick smacked the thing in the hopes that it might break. But the moment he pulled out on the road, he knew it was a lost cause.

"Proceed point seven miles on Cabrillo Highway to Verde Road."

"No shit." He really wished they hadn't given him an OnStar vehicle. And he decided then and there, any future vehicle he owned damn well better not have one either. He hated that stupid thing.

After cussing at the GPS system a few more times, he found himself in front of a short drive to a house up on a hill, with absolutely nothing else around it. The strange, amber colored light hanging from the telephone pole gave the whole thing an eerie glow. The location matched both the programmed directions in the GPS and the ones in the fax from Grissom, so it had to be the place.

He pulled the car into the drive and parked it outside the garage. From the faint outdoor lights strung across the property, he could see the tin shed to the right of the car. It looked like it would blow over in a light breeze, and off in the distance he could make out a barn and several other sheet metal outbuildings. The whole thing looked exactly like a farm and he was sure he couldn't possibly be in the right place.

Cautiously walking up to the door with his flashlight in hand, he could make out a piece of paper stuffed in the knocker. He slowly pulled it loose and gently returned the knocker to its base, just in case he really was at the wrong house. But when he brought the light to page, the note told him differently.

**_GSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSR_**

_Hey Nick-_

_Sorry for the trouble, but it couldn't be avoided. Make yourself at home, and we'll be home just as soon as we can. Probably not until late though, maybe 10PM or later._

_The Blue Bedroom is all setup for you. You won't have any trouble finding it._

_See you soon,_

_-Sara_

**_GSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSR_**

Nick shook his head and searched around the porch for the lockbox. When he turned to the right, his foot quickly found it. Or more accurately, his big toe nailed it. As he grimaced from the contact, Nick reached down to retrieve the metal box with the lock on it. It took him no time at all to remember the code he needed and within seconds he had the key out and in the door lock.

He fumbled over the wall around the entryway to find the light switch. The moment he flipped it on, he no longer questioned whether or not this was where Sara and Grissom lived. Everywhere his eyes fell there were books. And in the little niches around the great room were butterfly cases, and specimen displays, and little bits of abstract sculpture, and plants. There were plants anywhere they could fit, and from the drapes of vines and leaves, he assumed they were in places they couldn't fit, too.

Still feeling the effects of the burrito, the last thing Nick wanted was to check out the kitchen. Instead, he went in search of the Blue Bedroom. Sara and Grissom were right; he didn't have to look hard.

His first indication that he had found it; the large panel door, painted a fantastic electric blue, with a powder blue ceramic knob, decorated with little dark blue flowers. As he carefully pushed open the door, the scene only got worse. Every wall was a different shade of blue, and none lighter than a slate color. The carpet was a high pile in baby blue, with little flecks of navy thrown in for good measure. The linens were in alternating colors of navy and slate. Everything in there was in some shade of dark blue, with the occasional smatterings of light blues thrown in for a bizarre contrast.

The room should have made him feel claustrophobic or depressed, but Nick found it oddly comforting. He tentatively sat down on the edge of the bed, just to test it out. He was surprised by the softness of the bed, and he was drawn down into the plush blue comforter. Without warning he fell victim to the strains of the day. Nick fell asleep the moment his head rested in the thick, gentle pile of the bed and linens.

His dreams were filled with all the hope which had vanished from his life. When he slept, Nick gained the only relief from the pain of his existence. And he hated to wake every time. The reality of what his life had become always crowded in on him again as soon as he would turn and find Mandy's sleepy smile absent from the pillow beside him.


	4. Chapter 4

_**DISCLAIMER: **_Don't own anything associated with the show… I just like playing with the characters in it from time to time. Dance Monkeys! Dance!  
_**RATING: **_Teen  
_**SPOILERS:**_ Season 8  
_**PAIRINGS:**_ Nick/Mandy and a glimpse of GSR  
_**SUMMARY:**_ In the aftermath of Warrick's death and his friends moving on, Nick ends up losing so much more when he makes a life altering mistake.  
_**A/N:**_ And here it is the fully tweaked and hopefully acceptable ending. Thanks for coming along on the ride!  
_**REVIEWS: **_Reviews are the way I know if people are enjoying the work or not. So, if you leave one, THANKS! And if not, I hope you found at least a little something to brighten your day, and thanks for taking the time to read.

* * *

**Chapter 4**

Rolling over onto his side, Nick was stirred from a deep slumber when his legs twisted up as they dangled from the edge of the bed. The ache in his back from the strain was enough to make him groan as he struggled to return upright. Sitting up, he waited for the room to come back into focus, but when it failed to happen he finally remembered where he was; the Blue Bedroom.

Nick always remembered that Sara had a fairly decent decorating sense, but looking around the ocean kaleidoscope they called the Blue Bedroom, he began to doubt that fact. The monochromatic nature of the room felt heavy and enveloping. He wasn't sure anyone would be capable of anything beyond falling into a comatose state upon entering the room. And while that might be good for some people, it practically made it like a sensory deprivation tank to Nick.

The only thing allowing him to maintain his conscious state was the bright light sneaking in through the thick drapes, telling him he'd been asleep with his legs hanging off the bed all night.

He fought against the inflexibility in his muscles and the pervasive blanket of ruthless calm in the room to rise from the bed. Nick decided he needed to break the spell of the room and rejoin the world of the living. As much as he wanted to avoid whatever reason Sara had for bringing him out here, he knew he couldn't avoid it forever. If there was one thing he knew about his friend, it was that she wasn't about to let him run away. He was there to pay the piper, and he knew it.

Stumbling with the awkwardness he found in his suddenly rigid gait, Nick made his way to the blue door. With his hand on the knob he paused, took a deep breath, and silently hoped he could find the bathroom before the onslaught began.

As he poked his head out of the bedroom, there was not a sound to be heard. He looked down at his watch and saw it was still relatively early, so it was reasonable to assume his hosts were still in bed. He scanned the hallway and quickly found what he was looking for. Nick decided to use the time to his advantage and grabbed his overnight bag from the floor before heading off to the bathroom.

Feeling more human than he had in days, Nick emerged and prepared for battle. He still had about four weeks of growth on his face, but his razor wasn't about to hack through that mess without bloodshed, so he decided to leave it alone. He was going to need a barber before anything could be done with that problem, and so he just accepted the fact that Sara was going to give him grief about the new look.

He tossed the bag back into the cavernous blue room and quietly padded his way through the house, hoping not to wake the other inhabitants. When he found the rest of the house as peaceful as when he entered the night before, he made his way into the kitchen to start some coffee. Nick knew as well as anyone at CSI that Sara Sidle was unbearable until she got her first cup of coffee, and he was hoping to minimize the damage, as much as possible.

After getting the coffee maker going, Nick looked through the kitchen and tried to figure out his next move. While flipping through the cabinets he found all the ingredients necessary for whipping up a killer batch of pancakes. The least he could do for the pains his friends had taken in looking out for him was to make them a good breakfast.

The only thing missing for his plan to work was a griddle, so he started digging around to find one. He tried to be as quiet as possible, but the pots and pans were not really cooperating. When he finally spotted one deep in the back of one of the lower cabinets, he got down on his knees and tried to free it from its prison. He practically had to crawl inside the cabinet in order to extricate it with as little noise as possible.

Just as he was about to pull it free from the clutches of a row of crockpots nesting back there, a familiar voice croaked from behind him. "Jesus, could you make a little more noise at seven in the morning?"

Terrified by the sound, Nick jumped, and bashed his head into the cabinet with such force he wasn't sure he was still conscious. Not until he heard her sleepy giggle from behind him.

"Sorry… Didn't mean to sneak up on you, Gr-" As Nick pulled his body from the cabinet and looked around, Mandy stopped mid-word and stared at him with her jaw hanging slack.

They stayed that way for several very long moments; neither one able to speak or move. Finally, as though all the wind suddenly fell from her sails, Mandy exhaled and dropped into a chair on the other side of the counter. "Well, I guess I don't have to ask whose car is in the driveway now."

Nick plopped the rest of the way onto the floor and rested his back against the cabinet. He simply couldn't believe Mandy was right there in front of him. Shaking his head, he was finally able to say, "I can't believe they did this."

Neither dared say another word, and the silence left hanging between them was practically deafening. Slowly, it began to wear away all of Nick's defenses. While he wanted to tell her he was a complete ass and never should have said those things to her, he was also hurt by the ease with which she was able to leave him. Regardless of the fact that he was the one to make the decision to push her away, somewhere deep in his heart he hoped she would have fought against it, told him she wasn't going anywhere, refused to let him walk away. Watching her walk out that door had hurt him in a way he never imagined.

He wanted to look up at her, but the pain and shame continued to eat at him, and he kept his gaze on the floor and the feet at the end of his outstretched legs. Almost as a whisper, he eventually asked, "How'd they get you here?"

"They didn't." Her quiet answer surprised him and Nick looked up in confusion. "I live here."

"Here, in this house, here?" He was still confused. It didn't make any sense to him that she would have moved in with Sara and Grissom.

"Yeah… It's sorta mine." Mandy gave a non-committal shrug with her answer.

"Sorta?"

"Well, it's really my aunt's house, but she's in Tunisia for an undetermined amount of time. Some anthropology research thing." Mandy began to fidget in her seat, and only took occasional glances at Nick from the other side of the counter as she explained. "With the housing market so bad out here, she was gonna be in the hole, so I took it over for her until she gets back."

Without looking up, Nick gave a short one word response, "Oh."

The silence was back with a vengeance and neither one of them seemed to know where to start.

Eventually, Mandy was the one to break the stalemate. "What were you looking for in there?"

Her question was the catalyst for turning on the lights in Nick's brain. "Oh, I ah, was going to fix pancakes for Sara and Grissom, but I couldn't find a griddle."

Silently, Mandy rose from her seat and walked around the breakfast bar into the kitchen. As she opened the cabinet above the stove and reached in, Nick scrambled to his feet. When she turned around she was startled to find him standing so close, but she wordlessly handed him the griddle before walking a comfortable distance away.

Nick took a moment to look from the griddle now in his hands to the cabinet it was retrieved from and let out a nervous laugh. "Huh, never would have looked there."

Mandy once again shrugged and said, "Same place I always keep it."

With a little more sadness than he intended, his words betrayed his emotions, "Yeah, I guess it's just been a while." When he found the bravery to look up, he watched as Mandy turned her head away from his gaze. It was only a split second, but he was sure she had wiped away a tear with that move, and it made him deeply sorry.

"So, um… How about I make some pancakes?" Nick tried to keep the conversation light. He needed some time to work himself up to actually talking to Mandy. And he was sure the distraction of cooking would give him that.

"Only if you want them… I doubt Grissom and Sara are here, and I'm not really hungry." He watched as she turned to walk away and he was finally able really see her. She was still thin; much thinner than she should be, but at least not as bad as when she left. It made him worry about her health, just as much as he was when he pushed her away.

By the time Mandy had returned to the kitchen, Nick was mixing up the last of the batter as he waited for the griddle to heat up. He was determined to get her to eat something, and he figured the smell of the pancakes might trigger at least a small amount of appetite.

He dropped the first scoop of batter onto the griddle as she was pouring some coffee into her mug. She inhaled the aroma and commented. "Those smell good."

"Thank you… My pancakes are the best thing in my culinary repertoire." He once again tried to keep things as light as possible.

"As I recall… Pancakes are the _only thing_ in your culinary repertoire." Her gentle teasing felt good to him. It was one of the many things he had been missing since watching her walk away.

"Right…which is exactly why they're the best. I've had to specialize to at least make one thing good." He saw the timid smile hinting at the corners of her mouth as she sipped from her mug.

"At least you won't go hungry, then."

"Nope… And besides, man cannot live on microwave burritos alone." He heard the quiet chuff that slipped through her defenses and it gave him a little more confidence. "At least, not if he plans on avoiding havin' a gut like a piece of Swiss Cheese."

"Something like that." He could feel her peeking over his shoulder even before he felt her breath faintly touching his ear. "What kind of pancakes are those?"

"I, ah, found a few blueberries in the fridge, so I tossed them in for good measure." That was almost a lie. Nick had found the blueberries, but only because he was hoping against hope they would be there. He knew Mandy always loved it when he made blueberry pancakes for her. And more importantly, she knew he only made them for her, because he really wasn't a fan of the little berries.

"I um, I know I said I wasn't really hungry, but-"

"First batch is yours." He turned to give her a smile, but she immediately shied away from his glance. He decided he wasn't backing down this time and as an afterthought, he added, "And I'm not taking no for an answer. Because woman cannot live on coffee alone." She nodded to show she accepted his offer and then turned to the cupboards.

After he flipped the pancakes onto the plate beside him, Nick found it replaced with a fresh plate. And when he turned to see where it was going he found Mandy setting up for breakfast on the bar. The syrup and the butter sat between the two place settings, and there was a steaming mug of coffee next to the vacant seat.

Nick pulled the last of the pancakes from the griddle and turned the flame off beneath it before he finally turned back around. He watched as Mandy stuffed a mouthful of syrup laden pancake into her mouth. It made him stand back and smile for a moment. Seeing her enjoy the breakfast he prepared was like a salve on his wounded heart.

When she looked up to see him staring at her she blushed and turned away. Once enough of the food had been chewed, Mandy covered her mouth and apologized, "Sorry…but they're really good."

Stepping forward to join her at the counter, Nick said, "Good to know I can still do one thing right." As soon as the words left his mouth, Nick regretted them. He hadn't wanted to sound so pathetic, and he certainly didn't mean for them to carry such an air of accusation. None of this was her fault, and he needed to finally burn that out of his mind.

Watching her push the food around her plate, instead of eating, the guilt really set in. "I'm just gonna shut up now. Please, don't stop eating because I'm an idiot."

Reluctantly, she nodded her head and Nick felt his gut start to tie itself up in knots. Barely thirty minutes together and they were already at odds.

As they ate in total silence, he realized it was not happening the way he always hoped their reunion would. He knew there would be hard feelings on her part, but he never imagined he would feel quite so betrayed. She had only done what he wanted, what he claimed he wanted. So, why did he feel like she had let him down by following his wishes?

Staring into the puddle of syrup at the side of his plate, he almost missed her hesitant question.

"What?"

"The hair…" She swallowed nervously as she repeated her question. "Decided to try the whole thing this time?"

His hand immediately went to his jaw as he felt the shaggy growth of whiskers dwelling there. "Oh…" With a half smile and a chuckle he answered. "Just lazy, really. Then it got too much to do anything with it at home, and I haven't made it out to a barber in a while." When his fingers reached the bare patch on his right cheek he screwed up his mouth and frowned. "Looks like another failed experiment though. I still can't get anything grow in this one spot."

Mandy stood up and cleared her dishes from the counter when she said, "It's definitely scruffy looking, but still better than that porn 'stache with the shag hair."

"I'm never gonna live that one down, huh?" Standing up with his own dishes, Nick chuckled at the comfortable ribbing he had missed for so long.

Mandy thought about it for a moment and then answered, "Nope, probably not."

Nick was enjoying the faint level of ease they seemed to have fallen into, and instead of breaking the spell with real conversation, he opted for small talk instead. "So, how come Sara and Grissom are here? I mean, they are living here, right?"

"For now." Mandy started in on the dishes as she spoke, and Nick tried to look around for a towel, so that he might help. "Grissom had all these repairs he wanted to do at their place, and he was worried about the dust and the noise and all of that for Sara. Plus, he's been helping me with Aunt Lila's greenhouse, so I told them they could just stay here until the work was done. Their place is just down the road, closer to Martin's Beach."

"So, it's just a coincidence you all ended up in the same place?" Finding the towel, he moved in to stand near enough to grab the dishes for drying as she placed them in the drainer. But not so close as to crowd her. He was still worried she might bolt at the first sign of trouble.

"Sort of. They actually bought their cottage from one of Aunt Lila's boyfriends. And I was living in San José before she left." Their hands grazed each other as Nick grabbed for a plate and he had to force himself to look away. "It just kind of worked out that I had the space when they started the work on the cottage."

"That's cool. Ya know, that you kept in touch and could help out like that." Nick was still trying to keep it casual, but he was also really curious about the situation.

"Sort of… I think Henry and Wendy might have put Sara up to it. She called me before I'd even gotten started at the new job."

"That sounds like them." Nick put the stack of plates back in the cupboard as he spoke. "So, obviously Sara isn't responsible the décor around here…do I have you to thank for that Blue Bedroom?"

"God no! Aunt Lila's barely been gone two months, and Grissom and Sara moved in about a month ago, so I haven't really had any time to even consider what I'm gonna do with the house." She handed him a glass and Nick thought he saw the hint of smile on her lips. "Plus, I'm pretty sure Aunt Lila is going to want her house back when she's done in Tunisia."

"This is the same aunt you lived when you were a teenager?" Nick struggled to keep his questions from getting too personal, but it proved more and more difficult as the conversation continued.

"Same one… And she's done so much for me over the years, I was just really glad to be able to help her out for once." He watched as Mandy worked to remove the dried batter from the mixing bowl. He loved the way her short hair swayed back and forth with the effort of every wipe inside the bowl. It was almost hypnotic. "I'll just be glad when Grissom finishes with his renovations so I can get back into the English Garden room. That Citrus Bedroom is murder on my eyes in the morning."

"Citrus?"

"That's right… You haven't gotten the grand tour yet. My aunt read some study about how monochromatic rooms were a good way to influence the mood and behavior of the average adolescent. And I was something of a handful when I was younger, hence the two monochromatic monstrosities down the hall. Blue to calm me when I was getting wild and spun out, and the Citrus to combat the teenage angst and depression."

"Does it work?"

"Not really… I spent way too much time either on the couch out here, or at my friend Carri's house up the road a little ways." She handed him the mixing bowl with a little bit of triumph on her face. "I think she kept them like this to exact her revenge now that I'm stuck in there. But I just can't handle the Blue."

"The only thing I can attest to is that it put me in a coma in no time flat." Nick was really enjoying their comfortable conversation. He had dearly missed the way she talked, the colorful and non-linear way she told a story and simply the sound of her voice in his ears.

"No kidding… I stayed there the first week I worked at the lab, and that was all I could do; sleep"

He laughed at her statement, but it also stuck in his mind. And despite his best efforts, Nick's curiosity won out as he asked a pointed question. "So, you took the job with the state?"

He watched her shoulders stiffen and he immediately regretted the question. "Sorry. I just-"

She shut off the water and left the silverware in the bottom of the sink. "I'm sorry… I can't do this." Mandy turned and walked away.

Nick, shocked by the abrupt turn of events, reached out for her arm to stop her. "Do what? We're only talking… What's wrong with friends catching up?"

"What's wrong is we aren't friends…not anymore. And I can't just go through the motions with small talk and pretend like nothing happened between us. It's too hard, Nick. And I can't do it." Mandy pulled out of his grasp and walked away.

In a last ditch effort to keep her from getting away from him, Nick called out, "And what if I don't wanna pretend?"

When he saw her stop, he threw the towel down on the counter and stepped forward. "What if I don't want to forget about everything that's happened between us? What if I want us to be friends again?" Standing directly behind her, Nick pulled out all the stops. "What if I know I screwed up? What if I want to try and fix this mess?" He swallowed hard, gulping down the last of his pride. "What if I want what we used to have?"

His hand was barely touching the fabric of her shirt, scared she just may prove an illusion and his touch would reveal the trick. Closing his eyes, he took a leap of faith and held her in his grasp. "I've wanted to tell you that since the day after you left me."

"I didn't leave…"

Her words were barely more than a whisper, but they trapped the air in his lungs with their power.

"You didn't want me there."

Unconsciously, he pulled her back and into his chest, holding her tense frame tight against his body. "That's not true."

"But you-"

"I know, I said it. But it wasn't true. I wanted it to be true. I really did." Nick could almost feel her pulse beneath his hands, racing and wild, and he wanted to take all of her fear away. But first, he had to deal with his own, and that meant telling her the truth. All of the truth. "I didn't want to think I was the one making you unhappy. I didn't want to be that guy, who held onto someone even when he knew she would be better off without him. I saw it in your eyes, every day, and I didn't want to wake up one day and see the blame there, too. I didn't want that day to come. I couldn't live with that guilt, Mandy. I just couldn't."

"But you could break my heart? That was something you could live with?" Her words sliced into his soul, and there was nothing he could say in his defense.

When he remained silent, she shrugged out of his grasp and turned around to face him. "It was okay to make me feel like I'd failed you, and to put all that guilt on me. But you couldn't live with being guilty. Well, too damn bad!"

Mandy's anger was in full bloom when she launched at him with the second volley. "You don't get to pick and choose which mistakes you get to feel guilty about, Nick. You deal with them as they come along and learn from them." He could see the pain and the roiling fury burning in her eyes as she pushed a finger in the center of his chest. "You don't throw a tantrum like a little boy, and push all the blame on somebody else. Be a man, dammit!"

Her last words finally broke the dam around his heart and he let loose with everything that had been building up for eleven months. "You think I don't know that?! You think I don't know how bad I've fucked up?! I know, Mandy. I know exactly how I've messed up my life, but you know what really hurt? Not putting my friend in the ground. Not watching my other friends walk away. Not even losing my heart for the job. What really hurt was being so damned afraid of losing it all that I couldn't tell you I was drowning in it."

"And that's my fault?!" They were both ramping up into a fit of rage with each exchange.

"NO!"

Nick's protest went unheard as Mandy plowed on with her tirade. "How many times did I try to get you to talk about it? What else was I supposed to do, Nick? Huh? Was I supposed to just stop living, waiting around until you could finally pull your head out of your ass and see what was right there the whole time?" She flailed her arms with the last question, as though it might better illustrate her extreme frustration.

"You weren't there! You walked away." His own frustration forced him to lash out at her, though he knew what her answer to that attack would be.

Her pointed finger merely added a sharper bite to truth that struck at Nick's soul. "Only after you made it perfectly clear that I was making you miserable."

"You didn't even try to fight me on it." Nick shook his head in disbelief.

"Why would I? If you wanted out just because I couldn't be happy watching you destroy yourself, then what else could I have done to change your mind?" He could see that she was running out of steam by the slump of her shoulders. "It was obvious loving you wasn't enough. So, what else was left for me to do? If my being there was making you that unhappy, all I had left was to leave."

Nick wasn't ready to give up just yet, and he went after her with his questions again. "But you disappeared… You didn't even give me a chance to see my mistake, to apologize."

"Henry and Wendy knew where I was. And it's not like I was hiding. You just never bothered to look." That was the blow that brought him to his knees. Mandy was right. He should have tried harder. It was another mistake he would have to live with.

"I staked out Henry's place for days. At first, I thought, maybe…" Nick couldn't believe he had actually admitted that ridiculous fear. That was when he knew he was grasping at straws.

"Not even… Henry is not my type." Mandy stood defiant in the face of his rationalizations.

"I know, and it was just the fear." Nick's voice became timid, and he knew nothing would justify his actions, or his inaction. "But when he got back, I asked…"

"You asked what?"

"I tried to ask, but he cut me off." That was the last of Nick's fire snuffing out. He heaved a deep and mournful sigh before saying, "He would only say you were gone. And that I didn't even deserve to know that much."

"He didn't?!"

Mandy appeared genuinely shocked by his revelation, but he needed to continue. "He was right. And I knew he was right, and I guess I thought I didn't deserve another chance. So…"

"You gave up?" Her words were meant to cut, but much of the fire seemed to have burned out of them.

Nick shook his head, "No… I never gave up."

"I guess I just wasn't worth the effort." The pain falling from every word swirled around Nick's heart.

He couldn't leave her feeling like any of their breakup was her fault. Nick needed her to know that however twisted his actions were, he did it all because he loved her and wanted her to be happy. "That wasn't it, Mandy. You were suffering around me, and it was too much for me to handle. I was already a mess, and I just didn't think you needed to be involved with anyone that screwed up."

"Do you really think I'm that shallow?" Her arms dropped to her sides in defeat and from then on things changed between them.

Hanging his head, Nick knew when something was his fault, and it was never more obvious than it was in that moment. "Mandy, I didn't know what I was doing. I still don't."

"Dumb ass, you think I expected everything to be rosy all the time? That we wouldn't have any rough spots?" Her hand came up to press into his chest, and Nick felt like a truce had been reached. "Come on, Nick. If that was true, why did you practically have to throw me out of the house?"

"I didn't say it made any sense. I just didn't know what else to do. I could see it…you were wasting away in Vegas." Nick closed the remaining physical distance between them. His hand reached out to her and began to stroke her arm. "I couldn't watch you dying like that, not because of me. I thought maybe, if you could get away from all of that, you'd get better. I knew you were gonna turn down the job here, and I just couldn't let you do that…not because of me."

With one hand on her shoulder, fingers lightly caressing her neck, he tilted his head forward to rest against hers. "I was stupid, and I thought the only way I could get you to go was if I pushed you away. And it worked. It worked well." He shook his head a little as his other hand moved up to her shoulder. "Too well… And when I realized what I'd done, it was too late."

Mandy brought her free hand to cup his cheek and chuffed, "And I repeat…dumb ass. What makes you think I can turn it on and off like that? Just because you do something so unbelievably stupid as pushing me out, I'm simply going to flip a switch and stop loving you?" He looked up with a start and for the first time in longer than he could remember, Nick had hope. "Tell me, were you able to turn it off when you convinced yourself we were through?"

"Never." He shut his eyes tight and grimaced with the pain of regret. "Not even when I was telling you it was over. I still wake up every day and think I'm going to see you lying next to me, and it's all been a horrible nightmare."

"Sorry, Dude. There are no magic shower scenes where all of our pain is just a dream. It's real, and we're gonna have to deal with it." Mandy pushed the hair from his eyes as he opened them in shock. "The question is, are you gonna run away from it again, or are you willing to meet me halfway? Because I don't know about you, but I've been pretty miserable for the last three months, twelve days-"

Nick raised his hand from her shoulder and gave a quick glance at his watch. "Eleven hours, thirty-eight minutes." He took immense joy from the wry smile forming on her face. "And yeah, I'm willing, just so long as you take me back, I'm willing to do anything." His hand finally found her face and his thumb traced the along the edge of her cheek bone. "I'd even stay in that damned Blue Bedroom, if it makes you happy."

She scrunched up her face as though she was considering the idea, but then the smile split her face and she let him off the hook. "Nah… Even I'm not _that_ pissed off."

That was the last barrier for Nick, he pulled her face to his and lost himself in the feel of her soft lips colliding with his. He would live and die by the air they shared, and he would never again forget how she felt in his arms, because he had no intention of ever letting her go.

They would have stayed locked in each others arms forever, but the front door swung open and a voice called out a warning. "I hope you're done fighting, because if I don't pee right now I'm gonna kill somebody."

Before Nick had a chance to respond, a large blur went running past them. He tried to reconcile the image with the voice of his friend, but they did not seem to match. Thankfully, Grissom came in cautiously behind the blur.

"Is it safe?" Grissom had a jacket and a suitcase in one hand, and the other was covering his eyes.

Mandy giggled from her very comfortable position in Nick's arms. "You're safe, Grissom."

"Sorry, but we didn't hear anymore loud voices, and Sara was really desperate. Which is odd, because she made me stop in Half Moon Bay, as well." He shyly shrugged away his confusion.

However, the confusion was answered when Sara came walking back into the room. "Yeah, well, you try holding it when there's a parasite using your bladder as a trampoline."

Nick turned to find his friend. Only it wasn't exactly his friend he was looking at. It was his friend, but much larger and rounder. Sara was obviously very pregnant.

"Jesus, Sara! When did that happen?" Nick was unable to contain his surprise at his friend's condition.

"According to the OB, seven months ago. But according to that doctor…" She pointed in Grissom's direction. "It was seven months and eleven days ago." She plopped down on the sofa and sighed, "All I know is that it better not take longer than nine months to finish this thing, or I'm gonna protest."

Mandy smiled and said, "Somehow, I don't think it'll make a difference."

Sara smiled back and finally acknowledged the other couple's presence. "Sorry, guys. But you were doing some serious yelling when we got back, so we waited outside. And then I got desperate. When I didn't hear anymore shouting I figured I'd better make a break for it before I was really interrupting something."

"And on that note…" Grissom walked through the room with the big suitcase. "I'll just get what we need for a few days, and then we'll be out your hair."

Mandy turned out of Nick's arms to question Grissom. "What are you talking about?"

Sara let Grissom continue down the hall as she answered for him. "Got a call from the contractor yesterday. The cottage is ready, and in the name of friendship, we're just gonna clear out for now. Gil will come back for the rest of our stuff once the dust settles around here." She squeezed Mandy's arm when she came closer, before adding, "Besides, the last thing you guys need is a meddling pregnant chick and an oblivious entomologist."

Grissom's faint reply came from the back bedroom. "I am not oblivious!"

Sara made a face that showed her disagreement with that statement, though her answer stated otherwise. "Yes, Dear."

Awkwardly getting back to her feet, Sara approached her friend and said, "You guys will be just fine without us around." She leaned forward and placed a kiss above Nick's scruffy jawline before she looked back to Mandy and winked. "And if he does get out of line, we're just down the road… _And_ I've got a lot of places to stash the body."


End file.
